Crypto Craziness
by Red Witch
Summary: Krieger tries to get the agency on the crypto currency bandwagon again.


** The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has been downloaded somewhere. I saw this article online about people wanting to build cryptocurrency cities. It inspired this. **

**Crypto Craziness **

"Okay I called this meeting today to have a serious talk," Cyril said to the Figgis Agency in the conference room. "We need to think about ways to make money. Apparently, the detective business isn't as lucrative as we thought it would be."

"At least for us," Ray groaned.

"I'd like to point out," Mallory spoke from her seat. "That I was against this boondoggle from the first time Sterling suggested this ridiculous scheme."

"Save your _'I told you so's'_ when Archer gets out of his coma," Cheryl said.

"Look the best way for us to make money is to invest our money in safe, sane investments," Cyril said. "Not do all these crazy get rich quick schemes we seem to fall into. I'm looking for sane, sound investments. Pam…?"

Pam had raised her hand. "How about we go break into rich people's parties and steal all their gift bags? Then sell the contents! We've done that before! Why not make it a career?"

"Let me explain the definition of **sane**…" Cyril groaned. "It means rational. Well balanced. Sound. Healthy. The _opposite_ of **that idea**!"

"We're trying to find something a little more…" Lana paused. "Legal."

"Oh," Pam nodded. "Gotcha…"

"Good," Cyril sighed. "Mallory do you have anything to suggest what we could do to make money?"

"Well," Mallory paused. "I heard a rumor there were some shakeups at both the CIA and the FBI. I could always try and kiss a couple of asses to get work."

"Let me explain the definition of **sane** again," Cyril groaned.

"Mallory we can't do that!" Lana snapped. "Remember what happened the **last time** Slater hired us? And it turned out he was never going to pay us anyway! Do you really want to work for those douchebags again?"

"I'm with Lana," Ray spoke up. "There's got to be something better than working for the CIA."

"How about working for the mob?" Pam suggested.

"Again…" Cyril sighed. "The definition of **sane**…"

"I have a suggestion," Krieger held up his hand.

"So much for sanity," Ray quipped. Cyril glared at him.

"You all know about cryptocurrency," Krieger said.

"I don't," Cheryl said.

"Most of you know about cryptocurrency…" Krieger went on.

"That's like bells in Animal Crossing, right?" Pam raised her hand. "Only it's in real life?"

"All I know is it some kind of digital thing," Ray admitted.

"**Some** of you know about cryptocurrency," Krieger said. "Well several cryptocurrency entrepreneurs have come up with a way to modernize modern life! They are planning to build cities based on cryptocurrency. Where people will no longer be slaves to paper money."

"Slaves to the money!" Cheryl cheered. "Slaves to the money!"

"Let me see if I get this straight," Mallory blinked. "There are people out there who want to build these utopian fantasy cities where people use digital money? Let me guess, on Mars?"

"Nope," Krieger shook his head. "Nevada and Puerto Rico."

"I get Puerto Rico," Cyril said. "That's a tax write off. But Nevada…?"

"Open land space," Krieger said. "Think of it! A utopia filled with good schools, shopping malls, colleges, research centers and electronic gaming stadiums! Instead of cars people will use specially designed bike trails and walking pathways! Solar and wind power will create electricity. Drones will deliver items. It's a new way of life!"

Ray rolled his eyes. "The fact that you're adding electronic gaming stadiums to the mix is a **clear sign** that this is a total pipe dream. You know that, right?"

"Electronic gaming is a **thing** now!" Krieger snapped. "They have worldwide competitions and everything! Now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure I could make some decent scratch competing!"

"Let's focus on one fantasy at a time, shall we?" Lana sighed. "Krieger cryptocurrency is unstable and unpredictable at best…"

"But highly lucrative," Mallory thought.

"Mallory remember what happened **the last time** we tried that?" Lana asked.

Ray remarked. "I think the **entire neighborhood** remembers what happened the last time we tried that. It took days before the entire street got its power back."

"And that sushi restaurant on the end of the block never recovered," Pam shook her head. "It was a shame. It had good sushi."

"Guys I'm serious," Krieger said. "We could get in on the ground floor of this."

"More like the basement floor," Cyril remarked. "All the way down…"

"Think about it, guys," Krieger said. "We could have our own city! We could live in a new world! A world without money!"

"There is a world like that Krieger," Ray said. "It's called being homeless! And I am not going back to that again!"

"Again?" Pam looked at Ray. "You mean the times when we lost our first agency and had to move into Tunt Manor and the second time we were stranded out in the desert right?"

"That too," Ray shrugged. "After the Olympics for two years I wandered around the world. I was willing to do anything not to go back to Ferlin. And anyone…My point is, this sounds like a bad idea."

"It's not a bad idea Ray," Krieger said. "Think about it! We could retire in luxury in a town we created! How cool is that?"

"Not half as cool as a night on the street in the middle of winter," Ray looked at him. "Forget it."

"I'm with Ray on this," Cyril said. "Plus, we tried making our own coins before! It ended in disaster!"

"But I know what I'm doing now!" Krieger said.

"That'll be a first," Mallory quipped.

"Plus, I've already made a couple million in Kriegerands since then!" Krieger said. "Once some country recognizes the currency…"

"And I'm recognizing that this meeting is pointless," Cyril got up and left the room.

"Took you long enough!" Cheryl called out.

Three days later…

"You're still going on about **this**?" Ray groaned.

Ray, Lana, Cyril and Pam were sitting in the conference room. Krieger was at the front with several drawings of futuristic cities and graphs. "Guys you gotta get in on this!" Krieger said. "Coin Cities or Cyber-Bias will be **huge **in the future! And this is the perfect time to get in on this!"

"More like a perfect time to go to a bar," Ray quipped.

"We will have those," Krieger pointed. "Five of them to be precise. All with different themes catering to different tastes of the clientele. A sports bar. A business bar. A scientist bar. A gay bar. A gay cyborg bar!"

"Krieger does know his audience," Cyril quipped. Ray gave him a look.

"Here in the city of the future," Krieger showed several drawings. "You can walk and bike on several paths. Ride in driverless cars…"

"Run over several people in driverless cars," Pam quipped.

"In this city of the future there will be plenty of entertainment," Krieger showed them more pictures. "A movie theater slash bowling alley."

"Great," Lana said. "Now those places will be louder than usual."

"A gym," Krieger went on. "A rock-climbing gym. Community pools. A golf course. A mini golf course. A frisbee golf course. A skateboarding park. A skating rink. A local playhouse. An outdoor amphitheater. A puppet show theater. Even a stadium for some kind of sports team! I haven't decided what kind. Depends on which franchise makes an offer."

"Gives a whole new meaning to the term Fantasy Sports League doesn't it?" Cyril remarked.

"We're going to have a museum and an amusement park," Krieger added. "With a water park which is helpful in the heat. And might bring in some tourists. As well as a wind/solar power station and some hydroponic gardens to grow our own food, barley and hemp!"

"You're planning on growing beer and pot in your utopia, aren't you?" Lana sighed.

"Are you kidding?" Krieger asked. "Microbreweries and pot farms are going to contribute at least sixty percent of our income! And create at least fifty percent of the new jobs."

"I have to admit," Pam said. "That part sounds appealing."

"We're going to have everything," Krieger said. "Cafes! Pot cafes! Restaurants. Pot restaurants…"

"I notice you don't have any libraries," Lana pointed out.

"Oh, come on Lana," Krieger said. "This is going to be the city of the future! Everything is going to be digital! Who needs a place to store books when you can just download them?"

"Another reason why the publishing business is in such trouble," Cyril sighed.

"I'm even planning on putting in a scientific research center," Krieger pointed. "As well as a zoo to show off the more successful genetic mutations."

"This has got to be the world's weirdest timeshare sales pitch," Pam remarked.

"Krieger who would be stupid and crazy enough to actually invest money in your insane project?" Ray snapped. "And even as I was asking the question…"

"Hello!" Cheryl walked in with Mallory. "Did you tell them about Tunt-topia?"

"I thought we were going to name the town Mallory?" Mallory asked. "Or Archer?"

"I said you could name a street or two," Cheryl said. "I am the one who put in the most money."

"Sure, lord **that **over me!" Mallory groaned.

"You invested in this insanity **too?**" Cyril was stunned. "How much of your money did you people spend?"

"Technically I only spent seventeen thousand dollars of **my money**," Mallory waved casually.

"Out of forty thousand," Cheryl rolled her eyes.

_**"Forty thousand**_? Hang on!" Cyril did the math. "Where the hell did you get the **other **twenty-three thousand?"

"You **didn't**…" Lana's eye twitched.

"Oh, like you lot never stole anything from me!" Mallory snapped. "Besides its technically an investment for all of us so…"

"You stole that money from our agency's funds, didn't you?" Cyril shouted.

"It's not like I took all the money!" Mallory snapped. "And it wasn't that much!"

"Yeah, compared to the five million I spent on the land…" Cheryl added.

"How much did you steal from Ron?" Ray asked.

"I didn't!" Mallory sniffed. "He changed our joint account to a single and moved it to another bank."

"Smart man," Pam admitted.

"So we miss a couple of health insurance payments for a week?" Mallory shrugged. "Big deal."

"It's bigger than you think," Pam said. "We don't have health insurance."

"Did you at least **look **at the land before you bought it?" Cyril snapped. "I ask knowing the answer is no!"

"Krieger and Carol said it was a nice place," Mallory began. Except for Cheryl and Krieger, the rest of the agency booed them.

"This is going to be like her other real estate investments, aren't they?" Lana groaned.

"And we all know what **big winners** they were!" Pam added.

"You never learn, do you?" Ray asked Mallory.

"I'm sure it will be fine," Mallory waved. "Krieger why don't you show us the land you bought for us."

"Sure," Krieger nodded. "But you all might want to go to the bathroom now. It's kind of a long drive up to the mountains."

"The mountains?" Mallory snapped.

"I needed a lot of land cheap," Krieger shrugged.

"Oh, this will be a disaster," Cyril groaned.

"It will not be a disaster!" Mallory snapped.

"Fifty will get you a hundred it is," Lana said to her.

"You're on!" Mallory snapped.

Cut to two hours later…

The gang was looking in shock at a burned rock filled land. There was nothing but rocks and ashes around for miles.

"Ahem," Lana held out her hand.

"Damn it," Mallory paid her the hundred dollars.

"You really should see these coming by now," Ray looked at Mallory.

"She never does," Pam shook her head. "Man, these wildfires are burning **everything** in California."

"That is one good thing I like about this state," Cheryl admitted.

"Then you're going to love Hell," Cyril groaned.

"Okay the good news is," Krieger said cheerfully. "There were no houses or any buildings that were built on the land in the first place. And the brush fire burned away all the vegetation so that will save us a ton of money in deforestation and cleanup. And everybody knows that ashes are natural fertilizer so the lawns and parks for the planned community should grow back easy!"

"Uh huh…" Mallory sighed.

"Now as for that landslide over there," Krieger pointed. "That's a slightly tougher issue. Clearing away all those rocks and mud is going to be costly. Not as costly as it will be to put in a plumbing and sewer system. And to pump actual water into the community…"

"Uh huh…" Mallory sighed.

"That large sinkhole there obviously has to go," Krieger pointed.

"Obviously," Ray said dryly.

"Uh huh…" Mallory sighed.

"Now I've noticed that there's an unusual number of rats running around," Krieger added. "Probably just displaced when the landfill that was here burned to the ground."

"Is **that** what that smell is?" Pam rolled her eyes.

"Look with a lot of hard work and some more money," Krieger said. "We can have a viable community built and ready to go in fifty-nine years."

"What?" Cheryl and Mallory looked at him.

"Well we have to build the town first," Krieger said. "Put up some sewage pipes and power lines. Probably should hire an actual architect for that. Yeah fifty-nine years sounds about right."

_**"Fifty-nine**_ _**years?"**_ Mallory shouted. "It's going to take **fifty-nine years** to even get my investment back?"

"YOU ONLY SPENT SEVENTEEN THOUSAND!" Cyril shouted. "YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO COMPLAIN!"

"TWENTY-THREE THOUSAND ISN'T THAT MUCH EITHER!" Cheryl snapped. "NEITHER DO **YOU!**"

"We could still lose more money!" Cyril snapped. "Ever hear of this new thing called **property taxes**?"

"And some of this land is in the name of the Figgis Agency," Krieger realized. "As well as Ms. Archer and Cheryl. Ooh. I forgot they still had those."

"Guys you are overreacting," Cheryl said. "Think of the possibilities."

"I am," Cyril said. "The possibility of creditors and the IRS knocking at our doors!"

"We're going to develop this land!" Cheryl said. "We'll build something here."

"What are we going to build Cheryl?" Cyril shouted. "The world's most inconvenient parking lot?"

"We're way up in the mountains," Lana said. "A hundred miles away from running water, power lines, civilization and…Pretty much everything else!"

"Cheryl developing this land is going to cost billions easily," Ray said.

"Yeah but Krieger can make his cryptocurrency money to…" Cheryl waved.

"Real money Cheryl!" Ray interrupted her. "**Real** money!"

"And when you say _real money_?" Cheryl blinked.

"God somebody explain it to her," Ray groaned.

"Cheryl," Cyril groaned. "Cryptocurrency isn't a viable thing yet."

"Huh?" Cheryl blinked.

"You can't buy a lot of stuff with it yet," Cyril told her.

"But it is money, right?" Cheryl asked.

"It has value like money," Cyril said. "But a lot of places won't accept it as currency."

"Kriegerands is actually currency," Krieger protested. "I use it on a lot of black-market websites."

"Let me explain a few things wrong with that sentence," Cyril groaned. "The words black market jumped out at me. As in an illegal market that trades in illegal goods or currency. Also, the fact that you use the money you make…KRIEGERANDS AREN'T A THING KRIEGER!"

"Are **too!"** Krieger snapped. "Once some country recognizes the currency! Well I mean an actual country. Not a digital one…"

"And Krieger can just make more money with his computers," Cheryl added.

"Yeah but since there's no internet or cell phone service out here either…" Krieger paused. "That's going to take a long time and a lot of money before those towers are built."

"On the upside you won't be able to answer all those angry e-mails your company and bank sent you," Ray said to Cheryl.

"That does explain why I got forty of them before we got here," Cheryl blinked. "I just figured I'd read them later."

"The gist of what Cyril is trying to explain," Lana said. "Is that…"

"We dumped our money into this god-forsaken sinkhole!" Mallory shouted.

Lana nodded. "Yeah that's pretty much it."

"Well if it's in the hole," Cheryl pointed to the sinkhole. "Can't we just dig it out?"

"I should have thrown you down the hole," Mallory groaned.

"Hey!" Cheryl snapped. "You and Krieger are the ones who convinced me to buy this wasteland! I mean I can't even burn anything here! It's already burned! Where's the fun in that?"

Cyril moaned. "The best we can do is hope to sell this property at a loss!"

"In this market?" Ray asked. "Good luck with that!"

"At the very least we now have a plot of land to be buried in," Pam quipped. "When our creditors kill us."

"They're not going to kill us Pam," Lana said. "If they kill us, they won't get any money."

"They will kill us when they find out we aren't going to **get them** any money!" Pam pointed out.

"I should have killed you lot years ago," Mallory groaned.


End file.
